I realise now I am in my (early!) 50´s that I have spent most of my life in my head.
Worrying.
Ruminating.
Second-guessing.
Pondering.
Revisiting.
I am sure I could go on.
For the most part my mind has not been a comfortable place to be.
Particularly in times where I have been really challenged with a stressful job, being a parent (of any age kid), parent´s being ill, when dating, starting a new business or venture, actually, most of life´s challenges and adventures!
Looking back I recall how I spent so many nights as a teen replaying events about a boy who I went out with once on a date and it never went beyond that. Oh the stories I told myself about myself, him, boys, the world. Never once did I ask myself in all my ruminations, whether I even liked the boy. It was all just more fodder for my hungry, worried, desperately-seeking-to-control-and-make-it-all-ok, mind.
And as time went on, of course, there was more and more food to feed that particular monster and, being the sensitive, hyper-vigilant and overachieving soul that I was (and in some ways still am) that just created more and more balls for my pinball mind.
Low level anxiety crept up and up and I used food and alcohol to disassociate from it and numb my pain – to effectively escape my punishing mind.
And it worked. Until it didn´t.
For me, the anxiety grew and grew as I pushed my feelings down and focused on the thoughts in my head. Creating stress, overwhelm, almost total disconnection from me, whilst most of the world was totally oblivious to my inner torment.
The stressful job became my focus – my relationships suffered, my physical and mental health suffered until enough was enough. I burnt out. I quit.
I experimented with what felt like woo-woo ´specialists´ at times (sometimes with unrealistic promises and timelines), a therapist, but these seemed to merely fuel the fire and end in shame, recriminations and a sinking sense that I would never be able to experience anything different.
However, with persistence (the pain was real) and sometimes desperation, slowly, but surely, over the coming months and years, I started to experience glimmers of hope. These were usually at the times I took the challenging journey to go within me (with increasing amounts of self-compassion). The one place I had been both hyper-focusing on and avoiding for all those years. Slowly, but surely, I started to listen and tune in to me.
The place that our culture tries to steer us clear of.
Listen to this ´expert´s´ advice on relationships, how to lose weight, live our lives, how to parent, how to get a promotion, make money, you name it.
It is never discussed, let alone taught, how to listen to and trust our own unique selves.
Now in my 50´s, my mind is a lot nicer place to be (most of the time). I am a lot calmer and more present, I feel I am more authentically me, rather than pretending to have ticked all the boxes that I felt I needed to tick in my 20´s and 30´s. I am connected and grounded to myself, more aware of my thought patterns, feelings and how to navigate those in good times and challenges.
This has been through a lot of self-reflection, the right tools, courses, programmes and dedication to look inside me. Get to know and discover myself. Re-build my self-trust. I was scared, especially at the start as I feared I would lose everything around me, my relationship, my friends, my foundation.
In turn, I now feel passionate about helping other midlife women to do just the same, to break free and get unstuck from overwhelm, fear, procrastination and how we get in our own way. To create the peace, calm, connection that so many of us yearn for. Just a lot damn quicker and less painfully than I did!
For so long I lived in fear of rocking the boat, being a burden, making the wrong decision, doing anything very different in case it all went sideways.
However, the opposite has been true. Yes, I have changed. I have become a stronger, fuller version of myself.
I have found a still place inside.
I now feel able to be more vulnerable and authentic and connected to that still place, rather than stuck in my worries and in fear.
I have lost part of that old version of me.
But most importantly I have gained the most important relationship of all.
The one with myself.
Curious to find out more? I will be sharing more on the journey within and finding the right tools, practices and connecting with ourselves in the coming weeks.
Like a fresh start? To break free from overwhelm, feeling stuck and uncertain? If you would like to join my FREE Revive and Thrive Reboot (23-27 September 2024) and Facebook community for other amazing midlife women, like you, please click here. If you´d rather not be on Facebook – please sign up here.
Thank you for reading. I would love to hear what thoughts, feelings, questions this post has brought up for you either below or by email, whichever feels best for you.
Here´s to us all embracing our fullest selves and breaking free of what is holding us back – especially our own minds 💚
Images: Jesse Bowser, Jonathan Cosens Photography and Averie Woodard from Unsplash.